Before I begin it is important to make clear, this blog is not coming from a place of being a survivor of a coersive or controlling relationship, so please know that I am not speaking on behalf of anyone who has suffered from gaslighting. I am talking about the way in which we talk about it and the observations I have made.
I don't know about you, but I have heard and seen the term 'gaslighting' more in the past two years than I have in the whole of the previous 25 years of my life. So I'm writing this blog to share why I believe that to be.
First off what is gaslighting and where did it come from?
It all started with a play in 1938 called Gas Light, in which there was a married couple and the play follows a couple where the husband continuously manipulates his wife into making her believe she has gone mad. But to gaslight did come from a psychoanalytic origin
"by which a single player absorbs all the fault, irrationality, and madness in a relationship"
(https://slate.com/human-interest/2016/04/the-history-of-gaslighting-from-films-to-psychoanalysis-to-politics.html)
The way I have interpreted the term is to continually and deliberately deny someone else's reality over the course of a period of time. For me the keyword there is 'deliberately'. The perpetrator, in this instance, knows what they are doing, even if they are not aware it is called gaslighting. There are huge amounts of people in the world who find themselves in relationships that contain manipulation in the form of gaslighting. Gaslighting is not confined to romantic relationships only, gaslighting can be present in any form of relationship, familiar and professional relationships fall victim of it too.
As I've discussed, the deliberate and continual manipulation leads to the behaviour being categorised as gaslighting. But more often now, I am seeing people being accused of gaslighting in individual cases where there is a difference in opinion between two people who do not have a relationship and may have never met before.
Let's talk about a hypothetical but completely feasible example:
Person A: Posts a video on social media voicing their opinions on a subject matter, perhaps with some questionable ideas or thoughts.
Person B: Shares said post and comments advising they do not agree with said opinion and effectively calls out the behaviour.
Person A: Responds advising that the content was not intended to be received in this way.
Person B: Shares that person A is gaslighting them as they are denying their reality.
Neither Person A or Person B in this scenario come away from the situation feeling much better. One has been told they are using a gaslighting technique they were not aware of and the other has been told their feelings aren't valid.
I wonder in this scenario (and many others I have seen, particularly on social media) if the way in which we are using the term gaslighting, is actually undermining the lived experience of those suffering in abusive relationships. In scenarios like the above, the behavior is not deliberate and ongoing, it is an individual occurrence.
I am not advocating that we don't call people out on behaviours that we feel to be wrong. Although as always, our understanding of what is wrong and right comes under the clouds of our uprbinging, class, education and race.
Because of the way gaslighting has now been adopted, I fear that what happens is that it dilutes the gravity of gaslighting in abusive relationships. When it is used in our everyday language in our everyday interactions with strangers, it has a different effect.
"...this precise window onto a rhetorical dodge has become a viewing platform from which to survey verdant panoramas of valid and invalid argument. Don’t gaslight me can mean anything from “Don’t disingenuously contest this matter of factual record” to “Don’t contradict my opinion."
I spoke to my friend Lisa who is an incredible survivor of an extremely coersive and controlling relationship. Gaslighting was a tool used to inflict abuse on her over a long period spanning multiple years. It has taken her time and incredible bravery to come back from a very dark place she was in. Awareness of coersive and controlling behaviour is on the rise with new laws being introduced to convict perpetrators. Voices like hers are vital in the realisation of these laws.
I truly believe we need to be mindful of the instances in which we are using the word gaslighting to ensure the people that are suffering at the hands of it, are listened to and supported when they find the courage to escape. Let's not let minor arguments or disagreements, cloud our understanding of a manipulation technique used in incredibly dangerous relationships.
I'd love to hear any feedback on this, it was a difficult one to put out and it's the first time I've had a second opinion before I posted something - please pull me up on anything I missed or anything I might not have thought about - I would really love to learn some more if that's the case.