A while ago I watched this video on Instagram by Brandon Goodman and I think he beautifully explains how we can better respond when we might feel uncomfortable by what someone is saying, especially when that person has different identity labels to ourselves.
The thing that has stuck with most from his video is this, when you feel uncomfortable, threatened, embarrassed etc., ask yourself the following questions:
1. What did they say?
2. What did I hear?
In my experience, the likelihood is that the two things don't match up. Let me use an example here:
I share my experience with a male friend about how I feel unsafe when walking home in the dark because I am fearful of the potential result of what could happen to me at the hands of male violence.
His response perhaps might sound something like 'I'm not violent' or 'Not all men are violent'.
Now if he asked himself question one above. He would have the answer of, 'She has said that she feels unsafe walking home at night because of potential male violence'.
If we look at question number two, his response would indicate that what he has heard out of what I said, is that I am calling him or all men violent.
This is not an uncommon conversation to have, I have had multiple conversations like this time and time again, with friends, family, and strangers.
It's a common reaction to defend when you are feeling attacked, but what is feeling attacked is your ego. By asking yourself those two questions that Brandon talks about in his video, you are able to separate the story your ego is telling you, AKA 'this is a personal attack on me' vs. the truth of what is actually said.
This has been really helpful for me, particularly with the personal anti-racist work I am doing. My views will be challenged, I might feel attacked but with the advice from this video, I now, far more often than not, understand how to separate my fragile ego response from the truth of the experience that is being shared with me.
If your response to someone sharing their concerns or lived experience, is to say that you are not responsible, you're not listening to what you are being told.