365 days and counting...

My housemate actually had to remind me that it was my alcohol-free anniversary. I'd have never thought I would have forgotten.

In my head, at the start of the year, I envisaged me ferociously counting down the days, gasping for that first drop of alcohol. But here we are, I'm yet to have a drink and I'm not sure when I might. This is probably going to be a bit of a long one because I feel like there are a few different aspects I'd like to talk about:

- Why did I do it? And why wasn't a month or 3 months enough?

- The hardest/easiest time periods.

- Most common questions (and answers.)

- What have I learned?

- The distinction between choosing to be alcohol-free and needing to be sober.

- What now and advice for those thinking about it (if you want them.)

Before I go on. I want to just briefly talk about people's reactions.

- A lot of people said I shouldn't put pressure on myself to complete the year because I'd feel disappointed when I didn't complete the year.

- One stranger told me I was doing it because of my ego and that it was a stupid thing to do.

- One person didn't want to spend time with me on a night out because they were anxious that I would remember everything.

- A large proportion ridiculed the decision and called me boring.

- A huge amount of people said there's no way they could do it because they need alcohol to have fun.

- Lots said they wouldn't know how to socialise in new situations with unknown people.

- I lost count of the number of times people would try to force me to drink alcohol. (This is MADNESS)

For me, this mirrors our society at the moment, our lack of acceptance and appreciation of human differences and experience. E.g. if your experience or ideals are not the same as mine, you don't deserve my time or energy or my effort to understand you. But actually, by disregarding the opinions and views of difference, we are casting a shadow on the very types of information we need in order to be diverse, creative and thriving individuals which in turn will enable growth, mutual understanding, and respect. This isn't about right and wrong but valuing each individual and the breadth of skill and experience that comes with them.

Why did I do it? And why wasn't a month or 3 months enough?

A couple of years ago I came back from a stint in New Zealand where I had quite frankly drunk myself silly almost every single day. I was hurting a lot during that trip and on reflection, I disliked myself quite a lot. This was clearly reflected in my behaviour and attitude during the trip. But the icing on the cake was when I returned after four months and saw my Grandma for the first time and she took one look at me and said (in public I might add) 'Oh she's been away four months and put on four stone.' Yeah, that was a low point.

I said I was giving up alcohol for a year and I lasted three months (not including one mishap on my birthday where tequila was consumed and tears were shed in equal measure.) I viewed giving up alcohol at that point as a sacrifice, I was living a lesser life when not drinking and every experience I was having was framed around the thinking of 'this would be better if I was drunk.'

After the three months, I went back to my standard routine of working Monday - Friday and going out and getting really drunk on a Friday and Saturday, wasting all of the waking hours on recovering from the evening before. I wasn't a big daily drinker and I could quite easily go without but when I was drinking, I was drinking a lot. Also worth pointing out, I was nowhere near the biggest drinker in my social circle but the binging was the problem.

And then early December I spoke to my sister about a book she had read called The Unexpected Joys of Being Sober. We had a discussion and I decided I would try to do the year again but this time my outlook was different. This wasn't about punishing myself for my previous actions, this was about genuinely wanting to find out how alcohol was affecting my attitudes, motivations, decisions and general day to day life (and also, I guess a bit of the sentiment of 'I want to prove to myself I can do it.'

I went on a big night out on the 15th December and suffering the next day with a horrendous hangover, I decided to start the year off then. And then December the 18th rolled around and it was my work Christmas party. I came off the train after an event and walked into the office and was given a glass of prosecco and for some reason, I didn't feel able to say no. I drank a couple of glasses and then ended up being involved in peer pressuring someone else into drinking too. I ended up horrendously drunk, having copious amounts of shots and woke up feeling very sorry for myself the next day. Well done Julia, great start.

A lot of people said 'Why don't you just start on the 1st of January, then Christmas will be out of the way and fewer people drink then anyway?' But that wasn't the point, that would have still been viewing it as a negative sacrifice, my point was it didn't need to be, so I started on the 19th December 2018 and here we are today on the 20th December 2019.

I chose not to do a month or three months because by limiting yourself to one month, what most people do, is they choose to live a dulled down version of their life because it's 'only four weeks' so actually you don't end up experiencing the same things while sober. You just don't experience anything which again, exasperates the feeling of alcohol being intrinsically linked with the quality of your life. I wanted to do longer than three months to experience all of the 'seasons' of the drinking culture. Basically Christmas and Summer. There is always 'something' going on which requires people to need to drink. If you only do three months, you miss out on one or even both of those time periods. That's not to say three months isn't valuable or worthwhile, I just wanted to do it for longer.

The hardest/easiest time periods

The first month was easy, mainly because people respected my decision because it was early on in the process and quite frankly, most people thought I wouldn't be able to manage it. There were two periods of time that stick with me for being the most difficult. The first being around the 85 - 90-day mark. I think within the first three months you experience most types of social experiences that you are going to come into contact with and the first time you do these sober it is daunting and a little bit draining. The effort of having to repeat yourself 10+ in an evening about why you're not drinking. Plucking up the courage to go and speak to people without that bit of 'dutch courage' for support. Letting go of the anxiety of worrying about what people are thinking about you for not drinking.

But, after the three months, it became much easier. I settled into my stride, I had experienced most questions that people ask and knew what my strategies and responses to dealing with these were.

The next toughest part was moving to Seville but this period of finding it tough was so short-lived this time and I think part of this is because the people I was meeting and connecting with have never known me to drink so they are not remembering moments of me being blindingly drunk and feeling nostalgic for it. I also had nine months of experience to help me on my way.

Most common questions

Why?

This one is a funny one because my answer changed depending on who I was speaking to and actually the way in which they framed the question. If they appeared to be asking out of genuine interest I would normally go into detail but if the tone of the question was loaded with indignation I normally gave a bit of a lackluster answer and tried to brush it off.

Can you have fun still?

Literally what!? The fact you are even asking that indicates you are using alcohol as a mechanism for your enjoyment which is both worrying and saddening. To answer, yes I still had just as much fun as when I was drinking a lot. A big thing to flag here is if you drink a lot and you're on a night out and you're not having fun, the natural go-to coping strategy is to drink more until it feels fun. By not drinking I have just become way better at leaving if I'm not enjoying something. By drinking to ensure enjoyment, the situation doesn't become more enjoyable, you just drink enough to lower your standards to make it appear you're enjoying it.

Don't you get annoyed hanging out with drunk people?

No. Within reason. I like the majority of people I choose to spend my time with and normally if people are drinking they just have exaggerated forms of their actual personalities. Sure sometimes that can be a little bit grating but people can be grating when they're sober too. I basically stop enjoying hanging out with people when they A) repeat the same conversation over and over again B) get so drunk they can no longer hold a functioning conversation C) have lost the ability to be able to hold themselves upright. When it gets to that point I politely leave and it doesn't matter because they won't remember. The best of the night has happened at that point, drunk people just don't know when to stop.

Have you saved loads of money?

Yes, I did actually end up saving quite a lot and definitely had more financial flexibility as a result. Although since being in Seville, water is more expensive than a beer so that's put a spanner in the works.

Have you still been sociable?

I can hand on heart say I have been more sociable in this past year than I have been before. I made the conscientious decision that not drinking was not going to stop me from doing anything I would have normally done. E.g dancing ridiculously enthusiastically, karaoke, dating, speaking to random strangers and just in general, new experiences. I've done more new things this year than I have in previous years.

Will you drink again?

This has been a really hard one to answer and I'm still not sure. I'm not going to say never because there are definitely certain drinks I enjoy the taste of. My top ones being a glass of red wine, Bailey's hot chocolate, Pimms and I'm a sucker for a Mojito - but those kinds of drinks are the ones that I genuinely enjoy drinking. At this moment in time, I can't imagine ever getting drunk again.

What have I learned?

A huge proportion of people have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, whether they are willing to admit it or not. We use it as a tool to interact and without it as security, we lose faith in our communicative abilities and faith in ourselves as human beings. We have somehow stopped valuing ourselves as who we are without alcohol. If you are sitting reading this thinking 'yeah but it's so fun' - yes, of course, but it is because you have aligned enjoyment with the consumption of alcohol. Having that same feeling of enjoyment is possible but in order to get there, you have to untangle yourself from the constructs of an alcohol-fuelled society. The question is whether you are bothered about doing the work to get there.

People are scared of losing relationships built upon alcohol. If this is true for some of your relationships just take a step back and look at what value these relationships bring without alcohol. This year I made an effort to spend time with all of the friends I would usually only spend time with when drunk to fully understanding and evaluate our relationship. For most of them it worked, we had common ground, we still laughed, we still had interesting conversations. For those where it didn't work, we both felt it, moved on and there's no guilt or denial needed. Just a mutual understanding that we don't resonate on the same level.

One of the scariest things was actually sober dating. I had my first sober date in February of this year and it was actually pretty successful in comparison to a lot of previous alcohol-fuelled dates. I was able to tell far more quickly whether this was someone I wanted to spend my time with or not and there was no drunken haze that blurred my decision-making. It ended up being a bit of a horrible ending and I ended up not going on another date until September but that's due to me prioritising other elements in my life and not to do with a lack of alcohol. Anyway, I digress.

And finally on a personal note. I guess when I was drinking a lot I always tried to be 'entertaining' or I regularly got into heated debates when someone ruffled my feathers about something I cared about. I hated not being fully aware of what I had done the night before and the fact that on occasions people could have told me I did something and my memory was so hazy I wouldn't have known if it was true or not. A year of no drinking has enabled me to begin to be far more comfortable with who I am and being an authentic version of this, rather than an exaggerated one, playing a part for the enjoyment of others. I guess the feeling of me being 'enough' is a big part of it. I like who I am. Me drunk isn't a better or more exciting version. It is a short-lived and shallow snippet of a small part of me.

The distinction between choosing to be alcohol-free and needing to be sober.

I just want to make clear that I was not an alcoholic. I could happily take or leave alcohol but it was starting to impact me on a weekly basis in a way I was no longer comfortable with. But this was a conscientious decision based on what I wanted. My experiences are not the same as someone in recovery from Alcoholism which is a completely different entity and the two should not be confused.

If you're thinking about doing it...or even if you're not but you're intrigued.

If you're thinking about it my biggest bit of advice would be to really get underneath the reasoning for doing it. Do not view it as a punishment for your past behaviour. It's like dieting culture, those who shame themselves usually restrict themselves because they feel guilty and then go on a massive binge and it repeats cyclically. I might start by asking myself some questions.

Why do I drink?

Who do I spend time with when I'm drinking and does the relationship work when alcohol isn't involved?

How do I feel before drinking, during drinking and after?

Do I think it is affecting my life in a destructive way?

Have there been missed opportunities because of alcohol?

If I'm worried about stopping drinking alcohol, what am I worried about?

Am I aligning joyful experiences with the consumption of alcohol? (Make a list of the best experiences you've had in the last year or so, one list for alcohol-fuelled experiences, one for non-alcohol experiences.)

This is completely a personal reflection on my own experience. I'm not saying everyone should stop drinking alcohol but I'm hoping this might encourage someone to be more aware of their relationship with it. For me, it was about understanding my actions and the reasoning behind them and in general, I don't think people do enough of that. I'm always open to having a conversation about any of this if it's triggered any questions or reflections as you've been reading.

Thanks for sticking with me through this one, it was a long but important one for me.