Grateful for what is, but also for what was

Let's talk about gratitude. Or rather, I'm going to talk about what I've been learning about gratitude and maybe it will be helpful to someone or maybe it won't. I'm going to talk about it by using a story about myself in an attempt to help explain myself. I have a tendency to waffle and I'm trying to keep to the point.

There is someone I used to date and in the period of time when we were 'together' some might say they made some decisions that hurt me. I let these actions and behaviours affect me massively and they hounded me for a while in strange manifestations of 'What's wrong with me?', 'Why is this happening to me?', 'How can I stop this from happening?' and the list could go on and on.

Notice how all of those questions are about myself. I never once during that period of time stopped to think, okay these behaviours are being directed at me but what is going on for this person to behave in this way. This isn't a reflection of me as a person, I can choose to be empathetic here and try to understand what is going on for them at this particular time in their life. If I could have taken a moment to think about this I would have been able to handle and move through that period of my life in a far more balanced and pragmatic way.

(The whole notion of how others' behaviours and actions 'make you feel' is for another blog, this is taking up a big portion of my brain at this moment in time, in a great way, and I'm feeling way better for it so, I'll share some thoughts about it at some point soon.)

Anyway, I digressed.

So I spent about 2 years on and off trying to negotiate a relationship where I was enabling my own suffering and not working through it or confronting it at any point. Note, I was enabling my own suffering, no one else was making me suffer.

Eventually, the relationship broke down completely and we didn't speak for about 5 and a half years. I was bitter. I don't think I've ever felt so bitter towards someone. I wished we hadn't spent the time together, I hated what had happened, I felt hurt and angry. And the worst part, I never confronted those feelings. I just suppressed and suppressed and suppressed.

So, the story continues, after 5 and a half years and after the end of a 3 and a half year relationship, I realised I still felt this bitterness and it was unknowingly taking up and affecting me and my ongoing behaviours and specifically, my attitudes towards relationships as a whole. I decided I wasn't going to spend any more time harbouring any negative or un-useful feelings towards them and I had to confront them.

A busy pub on Christmas Eve, I walked up to them and said 'It's been a while and I think we should have a conversation'. I laid out everything I was feeling and most of it they had completely forgotten or hadn't even remembered had happened. The point of this conversation wasn't because I needed or wanted anything from them, I just wanted to stop being angry and hurt, holding onto that for over 5 years was so useless. By being honest and open and having no expectation of what was going to happen next it felt like an actual physical weight had lifted.

We talked for hours and all of the reasons why we had formed a relationship in the first place came flooding back. This person was still the same person I had originally forged an important relationship with. This person's innate being didn't just vanish the moment our relationship didn't work anymore. But I had cut them off because I felt hurt. By being unable to understand that the behaviour and actions were not about me I linked the hurt with them and their character.

Yes there was hurt, of course there was but that hurt comes because you had the wonderful opportunity to form a meaningful relationship and that is a thing of beauty. The relationship taught me a few things that are a part of who I am now. Things about risk, laughter, music, not wanting to be cool, being upfront about wants and desires. Above all though, even though I still don't agree with some of the ways in which they behaved, I am grateful to them.

I am so grateful for every aspect of the relationship. At each and every point I learnt something about myself. I'm grateful for it all. There is a reason we connect with people and if for some reason it doesn't work out with some of them (in all relationships, not just romantic ones) we can still be thankful for the lessons.

I recently made a list of all of the people I used to have close relationships with and who I now don't speak to at all. I identified anywhere I was harbouring any negative thoughts and pinpointed a moment or an event where this feeling was originating from. I then looked at what the lesson was, and looked at all of the other ways I'm grateful for having had that relationship. I can genuinely say I don't hold any hatred, dislike or regret for any of those relationships and that is such a freeing place to be, it does wonders for the space in my mind. You can focus on the important stuff of cultivating the healthy emotions and relationships you want to put your energy into currently.

If you're interested, after the conversation on Christmas Eve in the busy pub, we connected again in a completely different way and they continue to be a hugely significant part of my life and I'm sure always will be. I'm grateful for what is, but also for what was.

Bottom line, finding things to be grateful for is a far more beneficial use of time rather than holding onto anything negative. That goes for your own actions too - don't be too hard on yourself for past behaviour, there's a lesson you learnt from them too.