Realising I'm faking it is a pretty tough pill to swallow but...

it is an important thing to have learned to allow myself to move forward.

Before you read any further. This is a completely selfish blog post and doesn't really serve any purpose to anyone other than myself, but it's here should anyone be interested. If you get to the end and are still interested, I'm always up for an alternative viewpoint!

At this current moment in time my brain feels SO full. I've written in my journal, I've talked to people, I've meditated for the first time in ages but there's still things rattling around in there which has led me to write here again and maybe it'll help someone else out. If nothing, it'll get the stuff out of my brain for a while.

About a week ago I had a bit of a melt down. I think it was probably a bit overdue and a result of me not dealing with a whole host of things at the time of them happening and letting them manifest in the wonderful way your brain manages to manifest things. In general I am getting better at that but every now and then it catches me off guard. There were a few things coming into play but I got to a point where I started to have a bit of crisis in confidence about who I am.

The whole 'Who am I?' concept isn't a new one and we use it a lot and we all know it's a good thing to know who you are but how do you know if you actually DO know who you are? (That's an awfully constructed sentence I know.) I was convinced I knew. I can recall countless occasions where I've said 'I know myself really well'. But then I was asked some pretty poignant questions about myself and I drew a blank. I know the kind of person I want to be but is that the same as the person I am?

I want to not care what people think of me but I will still double check myself before I do something to think about what other people will think. Newsflash Julia, that does in fact mean you DO care.

I advocate for people to concentrate on being fully okay being on their own and loving themselves rather than looking for validation from a relationship but I still have an unnecessary fear of rejection which wouldn't be there if I was truly okay with myself.

I know risk taking is good and I've taken some but there are more risks I could take and I haven't because I'm scared of failure and if I'm scared of failure am I scared of failing because I'll be failing myself or I am scared of failing other people?

Then we come full circle to caring about what other people think... I have totally been faking it and actually it isn't that I know who I am. Maybe I know a bit about who I want to be but I'm 100% not there.

I actually feel really liberated in the fact I don't know who I am yet. If I did know who I am, I'd know more about where I am going and what I am here to do but it now makes sense why I don't know any of those things because until I know who I am, how can I work that stuff out. This revelation (yes I'm calling it a revelation but that might be a bit of an exaggeration, it's probably me just actually being aware of something I'd been ignoring) is an opportunity for me to take stock and understand and start to know myself better than I have before. And I'm sure at some point a knock will come again and I'll know myself better again, or remember things about myself that I had forgotten.

I think it's absolutely fine for me to not know who I am as long as I'm working on finding it out. If you're happy not knowing or you're not even confronting who you are, you end up in a never ending circle where you don't progress or move on from where you are and you become stuck in one place. No one wants to be stuck. You just need to tune into your 5 year old self and be inquisitive about who you are, ask the difficult questions and take yourself on a bit of an adventure to discover things you might have forgotten along the way.

It's not a weakness to not know but I think it's a weakness if you're not interested in finding out.