Say what you want...

Oh, but what if we don't know? It's all very well asking people to say what they want but from my personal experience, the concept of saying what you want is far easier than actually knowing what you want. How do we understand and know what we want?

So, I recently watched this and it got me thinking. I'm going to talk about the first half of the video (it's all good but the first part struck a chord.)

I think most conflict comes from misunderstanding. As it says in the video, we think people should know what we want. But it doesn't work like that, we need to be clear and upfront and unfettered in our approach to saying what we want/need.

And I get that, I really do and I can give people this advice and I can get on board with it. But putting it into practice? I draw a blank. A complete and utter blank. Geeeeze, some of the time I don't even know what I like, let alone what I want.

Why is that? Is it because I've never been asked? No. Is it because I've never asked myself? Maybe. Is it because I've not prioritised it? Likely. For so long I have come from a school of thought of catering and adapting and serving other people's needs. For so long I had my own little saviour complex. I would look for people to help. Which in turn served my ego and the way I valued my own self-worth. I would search for relationships with people I thought needed healing, people I thought I could help. I would sacrifice my own needs for the sake of helping others and that was my primary aim. I wanted to be liked, to be needed. On reflection, that's an unhealthy place to be.

Now I'm at a point where I'm asking myself more than ever, what do I want in this situation? What do I need? What is the best thing for me? And I don't have the answers. And that is confusing.

BUT OH MY GOSH HOW EXCITING TOO. If I'm only just starting to think about this, then my actions, decisions, mindset, my innate 'me-ness' - everything has the potential for exponential growth. If there is one thing I am understanding and appreciating more than ever is to use every opportunity I have to learn and keep looking for ways to learn.

In some instances in the past I have been praised me for being 'brave' or 'independent' or 'strong-willed'. Looking back on them there has always been a differing underlying motive. It's been a run away from fear, a sacrifice for the wants of another or just complete confusion and probably a bit of a stab in the dark.

I'm not saying I'm not these things. Damn straight I can be brave and independent and strong-willed. I'm kind, I'm compassionate, I'm loving, I'm grateful. I'm all of these things. But I don't as often show up as these things for myself as regularly as I do for others. Which in the long run, makes it more difficult to be clear in my communication with others.

I am consistently one of the first to protect, the first to defend, the first to forgive, the first to adapt. To tell someone else how great they are, champion their successes, rationalise their shortcomings, it comes so easily. But voicing my own feelings, my own fears, my own wants and desires - if I'm asked those questions, it feels like my internal organs and everything inside me physically shrivels up and twists and turns. It is like the reaction that happens when I cringe or am embarrassed. And the question is just 'what do you want...?'

I'm 99% sure I am not alone in this - so if this rings true for even a small part of you...we owe it to ourselves to figure it out. Ask ourselves the questions. Confront the difficult things and ask why it's difficult. It's not about eradicating the difficulties, they come and go and those thoughts and feelings in moments of challenge are who we are - it is so important to be thankful for them, even if they feel like the worst thing in the world at the time.

It's easy to say what we don't want but it's more important to try and understand what we do want. It's not fair to think others should know when we don't take the time to know ourself. Our own needs are our responsibility to understand.