The thing you never knew you wanted, my dating history...

It's been a while since I wrote a post. I pledge to write a blog a month this year and I realised I missed August. But hey, it's September and that's almost like a different new year right?

I was walking down the street today with freshly purchased coloured paper, crayons, felt tips and my favourite chocolate bar (snickers - and I don't care what you think about that choice, it's underrated) after some plans for this evening had changed. It got me thinking that a few years ago a change in plans would have had me absolutely fully dissolve into moping. I would have sat and watched movies with shit food and been unhappy about it.

Tonight I realised something. This was the order of events:

1. Plans unexpectedly changed

2. I was momentarily disappointed.

3. Asked myself was I going to stay disappointed for the whole evening.

4. Said no and decided to have a date night by myself.

5. Got in the lift to go to the shop.

It was at point number five I turned to the mirror (this is 100% true), smiled and said 'I'm proud of you'. It took me 20 minutes from plans changing to me being out of the door and on to a plan for myself. I in a different time would have wallowed into the next day.

I went to the shop, bought said items from above (okay some shit food was still included but nowhere near on the same scale). Came home, lit some incense, lit a candle, got my paper and pens out, and started working on me. Go you Julia.

Then it got me thinking about myself in past relationships so I'm going to give you a quick whistlestop tour. I'm not using their real names (I'm still friends with all of these people who are about to be mentioned) but I'll endeavour to use some funny anecdotes.

Relationship number one (The teenage angsty one)

My age: 15 - 16

Relationship length: One year (well, 364 days to be precise.)

He called me Mona (short for Mona the Vampire because apparently I looked like her!?)

I think I called him Spaceman at some point which now makes me cringe. This one is your classic first love, I was COMPLETELY attached. Messaged from the moment I woke up to the early hours of the morning every single day. Felt like I could not function without him. Did not have my own life. In short, not great but SO MUCH LEARNING.

Status now: We had lunch a couple of Christmases ago and he taught me how the fingerprint ID is like the least secure thing in the world and I'll be forever grateful for that.

Lesson learnt: Don't spend all your credit (remember credit!?) in one night so then you can't text your mum to pick you up.

Relationship number two (The heartbreaker)

My age: This one spans a few years on and off from about 16 - 18/19ish??

Relationship length: Can't put a length on this one cuz it was messsyyyyyyy.

So this one was the first time where I was like BESOTTED. I was just constantly in a state of needing to impress him. Ugh, looking back on it now I hate myself a little bit for it. This was a classic one as well where I thought we were in a relationship and we clearly weren't. (Don't feel sorry for me, the signs were there). But yeah, this one hurt. And I held onto the hurt for a long time.

Status now: 5 years later I confronted him and said I think he owed me an apology. We had a big ol' chat and then became REAALLLLLYYYYY good friends and I completely remembered why I liked him. I'd let my hurt destroy the understanding of what I had loved about him. Letting it go enabled me to have one of the most important friendships I have. We don't speak regularly anymore but I think we both have an understanding that we're just 'there' if we need eachother.

Lesson learnt: Don't fall for a serenade on a guitar and if a guy says they don't want a relationship, believe them.

Relationship number three (The one that everyone wanted to work)

My age: 19

Relationship length: 'Officially' (I hate that term) - About 5 months but I've known this guy for literally my whole life

For most of my life (up until the relationship ended) I completely thought I would marry this guy. We were best friends and continue to be very good friends. I cannot stress enough that this guy is the only person where I did not question for one moment whether he loved me or not. I just knew. We just didn't work, I would have ruined his life and quite frankly, walked all over him.

Status now: He's married, I went to the wedding and managed not to embarrass myself! We're still really good friends, just don't speak as often as we used to but he's the best.

Lesson learnt: Making a decision to not be with someone can be just as loving as deciding to be with someone.

Relationship number four (The one that worked for quite a while)

My age: 20 - 23

Relationship length: About three and half years (also worth mentioning we dated very briefly between 'teenage angsty one' and the 'heartbreaker' too).

The end of this one hurt. It was mutual, we both agreed it wasn't right anymore but it did hurt for a long while after. This relationship was great for a really long time, we went through some difficult times but the relationship itself felt pretty easy. We went travelling for a year together and I think I knew during that year it wasn't going to last for much longer but I was probably a bit scared of confronting it. We were on the same page for a long time and then we both ended up having different goals, wanting different things and I think we both had enough respect for each other to know that. In my opinion, if we had stayed together, he would have ended up resenting me. He wanted a lifestyle that I just didn't want anymore. I think we're both far happier now.

Lesson learnt: If you were on the same page at the start, don't keep trying to keep on the same page when the other person's page is turning.

Relationship number five (THE ONE WITH MYSELF - OOOOOH LOOK AT JULIA BEING SO ON TREND)

My age: 23+

Relationship length: 4 years and going from strength to strength baby

This one has been a rocky road. It's only having been thinking about this today that it was the first time I had been properly alone since the age of 15 really. There had been short breaks between the relationships but I had always been 'looking' for the next guy. Which meant that when I found them I jumped into them and completely lost sight of myself. I was the archetypal codependent. I didn't exist fully without them. They weren't having that problem (there must be a study somewhere about women being more codependent than men, which is probably linked to the bloody patriarchy but that's probably for a different blog entry) I just felt like I existed to be with them. I viewed myself through them. If they were with me and giving me attention, I was worthy. Without that constantly, I was pretty down and out. This time alone made me realise how much power I have over how I feel about myself. I spent so much more time on my own, not even with friends, just on my own. I went travelling on my own, I moved cities, I moved countries. I just learnt and continue to learn. I found out new things I liked doing (dancing in my kitchen) I stopped doing things I didn't like doing (getting blindingly drunk being one of them).

Lesson learnt: The more you know about yourself, the more you'll know the kind of person you want to be with.

Relationship number six (The one where we're learning)

My age: 26+

Relationship length: A little while now and still going strong (even through the C-word)

I have learnt SO SO much and continue to learn so much. I think this has to do just as much with the ongoing relationship with myself as it does to do with the person I'm with. We're both willing to do the work, to do the learning. There is no notion of perfection. There is no belief that we are perfect people, there are no promises of forever. At the beginning, I'll be honest, I had to really keep myself in check not to slip back into old habits (they're habits for a reason, they take time and effort to change) but it's paying off. So I don't say forever because I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or he could meet somebody that changes his world tonight. But what I can be certain of is that I am enjoying the journey, I am enjoying the challenge, I am enjoying learning things about myself and about him and I am enjoying doing that with him. Oh also, he laughs at my laugh and I laugh at his laugh, and then we both end up laughing at each other.

Lesson learnt: If someone really loves you, you don't need to be scared about their reaction to how you are feeling.

GEEEEEEEZE THAT WAS CATHARTIC.